Hope for Hurting Marriages

Scot and Candy Loyd 

In Genesis 2:24, God gave the parameters of perhaps His greatest invention: marriage. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

This passage was referenced by Christ in Matthew 19:4 in His response to inquiries about divorce and re-marriage from the religious leaders of the day. Jesus made it clear that God’s formula from the beginning was one man plus one woman for one lifetime equals marriage. The Apostle Paul endorsed this equation as well in his writings to the church at Ephesus in Ephesians 5:31, adding in verse 32, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

Marriage, then, is ultimately about reflecting the relationship between Christ and His church. Contrast this view with the view espoused by what passes as entertainment in movie theaters, television, and romance novels. In modern pop culture, marriage is not an institution to be honored, but one that has been castigated and maligned as restrictive, boring, and uninspiring. It is considered even less romantic than a casual liaison. Sadly, for many who have bought into the culture’s message, this has become their understanding, expectation, and experience in marriage, leading them to divorce. For many, marriage has become more about individual happiness than about reflecting God’s holiness.

God’s intention in marriage, though, is not for our happiness, but for our joy. This joy can only be found in Christ. The difference between happiness and joy is that happiness is based in the self and is fleeting, coming and going with the volatility of our emotions – while joy is centered in Christ and is lasting, steady, and complete.

 According to Jesus in John 15, the key to our lasting joy is abiding in Him. Beginning in verse 9, Jesus says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”

In this passage, Jesus explains that He is in a loving relationship with the Father. Only because He is a position to receive love can He adequately and effectively give love. The same is true for us in the context of our relationships, especially the marriage relationship. We cannot expect to love our spouse unless we first experience the love of Christ in our lives. This is essential to a joyful marriage.

Too many couples treat their relationship with Christ as a supplement, much like a daily vitamin taken to improve overall health. But supplements are of no value if you cannot breathe. Christ is not a supplement to our marriages; He is the life-giving oxygen that we breathe. Without Christ, true, lasting joy in our marriage will wither and die.

I met my wife over 25 years ago, and we have been married for 22 of those years. When I reflect on my youthful expectations of marriage, it is clear that my motives were selfish. I married for a variety of reasons all under the pretext of what I called love, but really I cared more about how I could benefit than how I could serve. I wanted to marry because I desired independence, I desired to be praised for the beauty and talent my wife possessed, and I desired to exploit my wife’s gifts for the promotion of myself. It is unlikely if you had asked me then about my purpose for marriage that I would have been so honest. But in hindsight, I admit this is the truth.

Thankfully, by God’s grace, my wife and I struggled through some very painful seasons and have come to understand that purpose is not to be found in each other, but in Christ alone. Only when we are both in a position to abide in Christ can we come together as “one flesh.” Those difficult moments in our marriage were caused by one or both of us pursuing our own idea of what it meant to be happy rather than endeavoring to understand what it means to be holy. If we are centered in Christ, He will see to it that the entireties of our lives, including our marriage relationships, are conformed to His image. This is the work of sanctification, or making us more like Christ on a daily basis. The Holy Spirit works in our lives and in our marriages to unite us with one another and with Christ. This is God’s purpose in marriage: that Christ would be glorified.